Getting Along Swimmingly


800 m swim 15042014517

800m swim 15042014520

800m swim 15042014521

800m swim 15042014524

800m swim 15042014522

800m swim 15042014528

For today’s NaPoWriMo I am showing off in more ways than one.  Firstly, celebrating R’s success.  Secondly, after reading the prompt after writing the rhyme, I wondered if I could manage to convert it into that tricky terza rima form. 

*eagerly* Do you think I brought it off?  And which version (if either) pushes your buttons?

Original:

Today our nearly-six-year-old (A)
Was entered for official trial (B)
Upon a day turned rather cold (A)
For badge we’ve worked at quite a while. (B) 

Eight hundred metres, non-stop, swum (C)
Is really quite a daunting task, (D)
And of her peers appeared there some (C)
Who failed at a two-hundred ask. (D) 

But calmly she swam up and down, (E)
And paused to wave, just now and then, (F)
While grinning; not the slightest frown, (E)
When turning to go back again, (F) 

Length after length, until at last (G)
A fifteen had become her score … (H)
Just minutes thirty-two had passed (G)
When she had done the last one more! (H)

Terza rima:

Today our nearly-six-year-old (A)
Was entered for official trial (B)
Upon a day turned rather cold. (A) 

This badge we’ve worked at, quite a while, (B)
Eight hundred metres, non-stop swum, (C)
Is something of a daunting style. (B) 

And of her peers appeared there some (C)
Who failed at a two-hundred ask, (D)
But calmly swimming, through she’d come. (C) 

She paused to wave, in praise to bask, (D)
While grinning; not the slightest frown (E)
When going on to do her task. (D) 

Length after length, up and then down; (E)
A fifteen had become her score … (F)
With minutes thirty-two, the crown, (E) 

When she had done the last one more! (F)

© Colonialist April 2014 (WordPress)
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About colonialist

Active septic geranium who plays with words writing fantasy novels, with notes writing classical music, and with riding cycles, horses and dinghies.
This entry was posted in Challenge, Grandchildren, Personal Journal, Poems, Really Awful Rhyme and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Getting Along Swimmingly

  1. Sonel says:

    That beautiful smile made me smile too Col and it helps for the aches and pains. Great shots! She’s like a little mermaid in the water. Love the original rhyme. :D

    Like

  2. Ruth2Day says:

    your little granddaughter looks so sweet before her swim. Lovely big smile.

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  3. I thought I loved the first one best until I read the second one. I think the second, purely because I wpuld love to hear more in this meter from you during the month.

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  4. misswhiplash says:

    as you know ..I don’t know a lot about poetry and such like but what you have written is good in both ways…. Congrates to granddaughter…she is doing well, and it is great to see a small child so at ease in the water…future champion!

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  5. Your brave little R is an absolute star. I am also in awe of her tenacity. She looks so comfortable in that first photo. How proud you must be. I love the way you’re able to relate the auspicious occasion in rhyme. I bet she loves your poem. :)

    Like

  6. suzicate says:

    A Terza is tough, but you pulled it off. Still, I like the original better. I am in awe of this little swimmer of yours!

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  7. I think you nailed it, Col. I’m in awe. My brain combusts when I try to rhyme.

    Like

  8. nrhatch says:

    Yay! After doing my first Terza Rima last year, I haven’t given it a second go. I like the way it sounds in the 2nd verse.

    And well dones all the way around.

    Like

  9. Grannymar says:

    Only swimming here is in the bath! Very well to young R! She is streets ahead of me. I am a good swimmer – like a rock!

    No my non poetic head prefers the first version, but both work well.

    Like

  10. Bravo for the impeccable swim and terza rima. I still prefer the first – the sponteneity glows with justifiable pride.

    Like

  11. newsferret says:

    And suddenly it is too cooooold to swim here!

    Like

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