REALLY AWFULLY SOPPY VALENTINES?

I know this is a corny line –

But won’t you be my Valentine?

The pay ain’t much, it must be said …

But there’s a lot of time in bed!

When I first saw you, sloshed with gin,

I thought the cat had dragged you in;

But now you look, without a doubt,

Like something cats would all leave out.

           

To a barrel of lard:

Here’s a Valentine card.

     

I hope this card most truly fits

To show my love is true –

I quite adore those bulgy bits

You have in front of you.

         Although you resemble the back of a bus

You should not feel despair:

This card is to make a bit of a fuss,

And show someone does care!

             Rosie’s are pink, dilly dilly,

Violet’s are blue,

Your ones will shrink, dilly dilly,

When they’re cold, too!

Now at the time of Valentine,

Oh, darling, just a little line

To ask you won’t you please be mine –

A diamond one would be ideal,

But gold mines also have appeal!

Your eyes are like stars

(Which have all just burnt out)

Your teeth are like pearls

(Yes, the black ones, no doubt)

Your hair is a feature

Which I like the best

(A pity that most of it

Grows on your chest)

Your lips are like wine

Of which poets have talked

(How sad that your bottle

Is so badly corked)

Your ears are like shells

That one finds on the shore

(Those dirty great clam-shells

I rather abhor)

Your figure is rounded

(And quite like a ball)

Your feet are so dainty

(All shoes are too small)

But from all this loveliness

I must abstain…

(She’s a good side more ugly

Than what she is plain.)

                My love for you is quite sublime –

I’d write a poem if I had time;

But I’ve a game of golf to play,

So I’ll do that some other day!

© Colonialist Feb 2009 (Blogs24) Feb 2013 (WordPress)