Val 1

I know this is a corny line –

But won’t you be my Valentine?

The pay ain’t much, it must be said …

But there’s a lot of time in bed!

Val 2

When I first saw you, sloshed with gin,

I thought the cat had dragged you in;

But now you look, without a doubt,

Like something cats would all leave out.

           Val 3

To a barrel of lard:

Here’s a Valentine card.

      Val 4

I hope this card most truly fits

To show my love is true –

I quite adore those bulgy bits

You have in front of you.

Val 5         Although you resemble the back of a bus

You should not feel despair:

This card is to make a bit of a fuss,

And show someone does care!

         Val 6    Rosie’s are pink, dilly dilly,

Violet’s are blue,

Your ones will shrink, dilly dilly,

When they’re cold, too!

Val 7Now at the time of Valentine,

Oh, darling, just a little line

To ask you won’t you please be mine –

A diamond one would be ideal,

But gold mines also have appeal!

Val 8 Your eyes are like stars

(Which have all just burnt out)

Your teeth are like pearls

(Yes, the black ones, no doubt)

Your hair is a feature

Which I like the best

(A pity that most of it

Grows on your chest)

Your lips are like wine

Of which poets have talked

(How sad that your bottle

Is so badly corked)

Your ears are like shells

That one finds on the shore

(Those dirty great clam-shells

I rather abhor)

Your figure is rounded

(And quite like a ball)

Your feet are so dainty

(All shoes are too small)

But from all this loveliness

I must abstain…

(She’s a good side more ugly

Than what she is plain.)

             Val 9   My love for you is quite sublime –

I’d write a poem if I had time;

But I’ve a game of golf to play,

So I’ll do that some other day!

© Colonialist Feb 2009 (Blogs24) Feb 2013 (WordPress)

About colonialist

Active septic geranium who plays with words writing fantasy novels and professionally editing, with notes writing classical music, and with riding a mountain bike, horses and dinghies. Recently Indie Publishing has been added to this list.
This entry was posted in Humour, Poems, Really Awful Rhyme, Satire, Writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.


  1. Proving there is a sentiment for each and each occasion and every person! 🙂


  2. optie says:

    LOL some Valentine wishes are perhaps best never sent 😉


  3. Hahaha! You’re a cheeky one!


  4. ROFL. Happy Valentine, dear Col. May your day, evening and night be blessed.


  5. Lisaman says:

    hahahaha ‘the hair on your chest’ oh my word this has made up for all the valentine stuff I didn’t get…You are a delight!!


  6. The Asian says:

    Does your better half read your blog?
    If she does, I think you’ll get a very hard slog!


  7. melouisef says:

    Not really in my vocabulary but if you insist 🙂


  8. adeeyoyo says:

    Wow, I hope you’re still here tomorrow, Col. 😀


  9. nrhatch says:

    You Bad! 😉

    Happy Valentine’s Day!


  10. adinparadise says:

    What a really awful rhyme!
    I’m glad you’re not my Valentine. 😆


  11. Pussycat44 says:

    I bet you sniggered and snorted while penning these awful rhymes. 😉
    Hope you come right with those crutches I see in the not too distant future 😉
    (Happy Valentine’s to you, anyway)


  12. 68ghia says:

    Really awfully done Col 😉
    Happy V day to you!!


  13. kragenhai says:

    I foresee some trouble coming along for someone! The first aid kit is on the top left shelf in the bathroom.


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