REALLY AWFUL REVISION


I wasn’t happy with the Really Awful Rhyme in the previous post, so I did some more work on it.  I think the new edition is slicker and the meter more consistent.   It is still 100 words.  What do you think?

REALLY AWFUL ILLUSION

PREVIOUS VERSION

The Great Mystico the million had counted,
In study of his host;
When certain that it correctly amounted,
He said, ‘We’ll drink a toast – 

‘My “Vanish” illusion I’ll now explain
For payment I have here,
But, take this warning, you’ve little to gain
When I have made it clear.’ 

The millionaire smiled, ‘I’ll be the judge of that;
What you tell, I can vow,
I want to know, but keep under my hat.’
‘Right, then,’ and Mystico arose with a bow: 

‘That my “Vanish” illusion is an illusion,
Is an illusion, quite!’
And then, in conclusion,
Magic’ly vanished from sight.

REVISED VERSION

The Great Mystico the million counted
In mansion of his host;
When certain it to that sum amounted,
Said, ‘Now, to clear the coast:

‘My “Vanish” illusion I said I’d show
For payment I have here,
But, let me warn you, there’s little you’ll know
When I have made it clear.’

The millionaire smiled, ‘I’ll be quick to see,
So just you go ahead
And tell me, now that I’ve paid you your fee.’
Mystico rose and said:

‘That my illusion is an illusion,
Is an illusion, quite!’
And then, to make quite clear this conclusion,
Simply vanished from sight.

© Colonialist November 2013 (WordPress)

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About colonialist

Active septic geranium who plays with words writing fantasy novels and professionally editing, with notes writing classical music, and with riding a mountain bike, horses and dinghies.
This entry was posted in Challenge, Flash Fiction, Humour, Really Awful Rhyme, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

33 Responses to REALLY AWFUL REVISION

  1. adinparadise says:

    Love the revised version. It does flow much better. Clever Mystico; clever Col. 🙂
    I’ve just started a new blog. You can find me here: http://anotherday2paradise.wordpress.com/

    Like

  2. bulldog says:

    Didn’t see the first one but did enjoy this one…

    Like

  3. The Asian says:

    Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. Catch a tiger by its toe… The second one is rhythmic but I can’t really choose which is the awfuller one

    Like

  4. cupitonians says:

    You should get Ylvis to make this their next hit single!

    Like

  5. nrhatch says:

    #2 is much clearer
    that much is clear to me
    even if the millionaire
    is still in the dark :mrgreen:

    Like

  6. Colline says:

    I enjoyed reading them both – though I do like the magic in the first.

    Like

  7. disperser says:

    . . . as you know, to me all rhyme is awful . . . these are both great examples. It’s hard to pick a least favorite.

    Like

  8. The first time I’ve read it, Col, but I love it. The revised version is definitely smoother. And now: to put it to music and make it a modern-day ballad. And record it on MP3 for us all to enjoy.

    Like

  9. misswhiplash says:

    But should your mind think that it can see
    things of illusion, dearie me!
    But the tale as it was told
    Was good, precise and very bold

    Like

  10. misswhiplash says:

    Ah, a complicated feat I see
    to see which one is true
    but ’twas a tale from thee to me
    and so the illusion grew

    Like

  11. cobbies69 says:

    I prefer the second, i am one for a more rhythmic read.. both I like, but prefer number two. 😉

    Like

  12. newsferret says:

    OK, I will toss the coinfas to which one.

    Like

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