Getting Along Swimmingly


800 m swim 15042014517

800m swim 15042014520

800m swim 15042014521

800m swim 15042014524

800m swim 15042014522

800m swim 15042014528

For today’s NaPoWriMo I am showing off in more ways than one.  Firstly, celebrating R’s success.  Secondly, after reading the prompt after writing the rhyme, I wondered if I could manage to convert it into that tricky terza rima form. 

*eagerly* Do you think I brought it off?  And which version (if either) pushes your buttons?

Original:

Today our nearly-six-year-old (A)
Was entered for official trial (B)
Upon a day turned rather cold (A)
For badge we’ve worked at quite a while. (B) 

Eight hundred metres, non-stop, swum (C)
Is really quite a daunting task, (D)
And of her peers appeared there some (C)
Who failed at a two-hundred ask. (D) 

But calmly she swam up and down, (E)
And paused to wave, just now and then, (F)
While grinning; not the slightest frown, (E)
When turning to go back again, (F) 

Length after length, until at last (G)
A fifteen had become her score … (H)
Just minutes thirty-two had passed (G)
When she had done the last one more! (H)

Terza rima:

Today our nearly-six-year-old (A)
Was entered for official trial (B)
Upon a day turned rather cold. (A) 

This badge we’ve worked at, quite a while, (B)
Eight hundred metres, non-stop swum, (C)
Is something of a daunting style. (B) 

And of her peers appeared there some (C)
Who failed at a two-hundred ask, (D)
But calmly swimming, through she’d come. (C) 

She paused to wave, in praise to bask, (D)
While grinning; not the slightest frown (E)
When going on to do her task. (D) 

Length after length, up and then down; (E)
A fifteen had become her score … (F)
With minutes thirty-two, the crown, (E) 

When she had done the last one more! (F)

© Colonialist April 2014 (WordPress)
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About colonialist

Active septic geranium who plays with words writing fantasy novels and professionally editing, with notes writing classical music, and with riding a mountain bike, horses and dinghies.
This entry was posted in Challenge, Grandchildren, Personal Journal, Poems, Really Awful Rhyme and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Getting Along Swimmingly

  1. Sonel says:

    That beautiful smile made me smile too Col and it helps for the aches and pains. Great shots! She’s like a little mermaid in the water. Love the original rhyme. :D

    Like

  2. Ruth2Day says:

    your little granddaughter looks so sweet before her swim. Lovely big smile.

    Like

  3. I thought I loved the first one best until I read the second one. I think the second, purely because I wpuld love to hear more in this meter from you during the month.

    Like

  4. misswhiplash says:

    as you know ..I don’t know a lot about poetry and such like but what you have written is good in both ways…. Congrates to granddaughter…she is doing well, and it is great to see a small child so at ease in the water…future champion!

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  5. Your brave little R is an absolute star. I am also in awe of her tenacity. She looks so comfortable in that first photo. How proud you must be. I love the way you’re able to relate the auspicious occasion in rhyme. I bet she loves your poem. :)

    Like

  6. suzicate says:

    A Terza is tough, but you pulled it off. Still, I like the original better. I am in awe of this little swimmer of yours!

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  7. I think you nailed it, Col. I’m in awe. My brain combusts when I try to rhyme.

    Like

  8. nrhatch says:

    Yay! After doing my first Terza Rima last year, I haven’t given it a second go. I like the way it sounds in the 2nd verse.

    And well dones all the way around.

    Like

  9. Grannymar says:

    Only swimming here is in the bath! Very well to young R! She is streets ahead of me. I am a good swimmer – like a rock!

    No my non poetic head prefers the first version, but both work well.

    Like

  10. Bravo for the impeccable swim and terza rima. I still prefer the first – the sponteneity glows with justifiable pride.

    Like

  11. newsferret says:

    And suddenly it is too cooooold to swim here!

    Like

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