Really Awful Unfinished Movement


  Toilet humour

There’s something strange about my bowel,
Which hardly could be worse –
It sends out messages which prowl
The outside universe. 

 Just let me satisfy the urge
To do my lonesome thing:
Before my insides I can purge
The telephone will ring! 

 The others all ignore it, or
They don’t hear it at all;
I really do deplore it for
Their need I take the call! 

 While pants around my ankles hang,
I hobble to the phone;
Oh yes!  It really rankles – Dang! –
When I’m left thus alone! 

 So now I grab the cordless kit
The minute there’s a fa … (ahem!) er …
Right at the very start

Before I go to have a sh… (ahem!) er …
Before I go to do my bit –

I have got very smart! 

 But ah, alas, what happens then?
The pooches start to bark
In tone of woof adopted when
A visit they remark! 

And, yet again, there’s not a soul
The visitor to greet,
So I am dragged out from my bowl
And circular-type seat. 

 I wish I knew how signals go
The minute that I start,
For that transmitter I would go
And smash, or take apart! 

© Colonialist 2014 (WordPress)

About colonialist

Active septic geranium who plays with words writing fantasy novels and professionally editing, with notes writing classical music, and with riding a mountain bike, horses and dinghies.
This entry was posted in Dogs, Humour, Personal Journal, Poems, Really Awful Rhyme and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

47 Responses to Really Awful Unfinished Movement

  1. What you need, Col, is a throne with a phone.


  2. This is one of the highest compliments I can give you: my step-grandfather (who was a plumber and loved a good fart-joke) would have loved this poem! He was my childhood hero! 🙂


  3. adeeyoyo says:

    Bwahaha, I have enjoyed all of these comments, Col. I always leave the phone to ring its head off if I don’t feel like answering (whatever the indis-position). They can always phone again, lol. UNLESS I am expecting good news!


  4. Mélanie says:

    have you ever seen and/or tried the Japanese toilets?!… beyond awesome-possum! 🙂


  5. The Asian says:

    I’m cursed by the phone call dilemma as well but nowadays I just leave the phone to ring. If it’s really that important, they’ll leave a message.


  6. bluebee says:

    There’s something to be said for the old outside long drop…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. gpcox says:

    Oh, that is so true!! (and funny)


  8. misswhiplash says:

    Very sorry for your predicament,not good when you can,t have a quiet contemplate in peace


  9. So funny….and my husband says the same things…although slightly less poetically 🙂 he’s certain my mother has a tag which tells her when he has sat on the loo….she lives just around the corner!!


  10. Arkenaten says:

    This seems to be one of those things that afflicts only certain members of the family.
    I, like you, are that family member. At one point I was convinced there was candid camera somewhere in the hall facing the loo as immediately I’d close the door and got comfortable the damn phone would ring.
    Naturally there was never anyone else around to answer it either.
    You have my sympathies, Col.
    These days, we have the message thing on the phone and so I don’t give an es ***. But,of course, I do.


    • colonialist says:

      A more recent thing that has tended to happen to me is that the mnute I go there I have a sudden invasion of grandkids, who up to that moment were nowhere in sight.
      Through sheer laziness, I never did get our message thing operating properly on our phone – only the mobile.


      • Arkenaten says:

        I don’t have the problem of Invasion by Grand kids, however, many’s the time one of the dogs has ‘invaded’.

        Telkom sort out the message thing on the land line, I’m pretty sure?
        I cannot remember if there is a charge but if there is it’s minimal.


  11. calmgrove says:

    No ansaphone facility on your line? Here are some messages you could use:

    1. “Can’t right now come to the phone / As I’m currently enthroned.”
    Virtues: gives a reason; reflects your poetic qualifications.

    2. “Your timing couldn’t be worse: do I have to spell it out?”
    Virtues: Leaves it to the caller’s imagination; reinforces your reputation for manliness…

    3. “The answer is, ‘The mathematician worked it out with a pencil. Unlike me.’ What is the question?”
    Virtues: humour sometimes lightens the tension; though this is rude it’s to the point.Pun intended.

    Any help?


  12. disperser says:

    Here’s a hint . . . assume a visit to the toilet is the same as you not being home. Think of it as a transdimensional place outside space and time that shields you from the responsibility of being a host or a voice at the other end of a call.

    So, next time, grab a book instead of the phone, and relish your retreat away from the bothers of this world.


    • colonialist says:

      That is fine if one is actually away. If you are present and an eternal optimist, though, you think that someone is phoning or has arrived to offer a once-off and irresistible opportunity, which will be lost forever without response …


      • disperser says:

        Think back to how often that has turned out to be the case.

        I think it’s not so much optimism as an ingrained sense of duty and responsibility . . . let it go; it’s liberating.


  13. This is hysterically funny! 😉 I read it to C and he says it’s all too true and he commiserates wholefartedly.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Colline says:

    😀 This is humour I have missed! Such a laugh, and yet it rings so true!


  15. This is known as Murphy’s Law (or sod’s law) and happens to us all.
    Don’t fret about it, learn to ignore it, your arrangements overhaul.
    Appoint someone else to respond to each phone call.


  16. guyportman says:

    Great poem. There’s nothing like a bit of toilet humour.


  17. bulldog says:

    This is frigging brilliant… I have laughed all the way through,,, maybe because it rings bells here as things being similar…


  18. kragenhai says:

    Oh shit! You’ve got troubles!


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