Cramping One’s Style Really Awfully!

Stop Sweetly Suffering in Salts!

 Condensed milk and salt.

I love to binge on condensed milk –
The best part of a tin –
The taste so sweet, the texture silk;
But suffer for this sin. 

I have discovered when I thus
In gluttony indulge
At night, comes awful bit of fuss:
Bad cramp, I will divulge! 

It is most utter agony;
Than toothache, worse, by half;
(Though ‘a gone knee’ it cannot be –
It gets me in the calf!) 

And when in calf it gets at me,
For heifer seems to last,
Unless ay-bull, in salting-ly,
To steer it into past. 

So when in middle of the night
I need the pain to halt,
The way that I can put it right
Is, rush and take some salt. 

The salt dissolved, or licked from palm,
Soon sends me back to sleep …
Though I, if not to need such balm,
Condensed milk, from, should keep!

© Colonialist 2014 (WordPress)

About colonialist

Active septic geranium who plays with words writing fantasy novels and professionally editing, with notes writing classical music, and with riding a mountain bike, horses and dinghies. Recently Indie Publishing has been added to this list.
This entry was posted in Humour, Personal Journal, Poems, Really Awful Rhyme, Wordplay and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

47 Responses to Cramping One’s Style Really Awfully!

  1. Dizzy says:

    Asif the condensmil wasn’t sweet enough, we added sugar to it! I cringe just thinking about it


  2. Sorry about your cramps, Col. I used to love eating condensed milk, but I eventually grew out of it. Now I find it far too sweet. I prefer salty snacks. 🙂


  3. beeblu says:

    Were you a boarding-school boy. All seem to have the taste for condensed milk, my husband included. Fun poem, Col. 😄


  4. Gobetween says:

    I read an article online this week that stated that salt is less harmful than sugar. Increased potassium intake helps prevent cramps too.


  5. LOL! Very funny … in a painful kinda way. 🙂


  6. Mélanie says:

    long story, short: I’m a salty person! 🙂 I’ve just brought some “fleur de sel”(salt flower) from Gozo island(near Malta) that I collected myself from the rocks… have you ever tasted dark chocolate with flower salt(chocolat à la fleur de sel)?… simply divine! 🙂


  7. The Asian says:

    In my younger years (see how I made myself seem really old there 😉 ), we had “entrepreneur’s day” at school and there was a bright spark who would put condensed milk into syringes and sell them. It was a huge hit amongst us kids and I’m sure he made quite a bit off of us


  8. cupitonians says:

    Condensed milk is the earth version of heavenly ambrosia. YUM!


  9. bulldog says:

    Love this Col… as a kid we used to mix the condensed milk with jelly powder… and even spread it on Marie biscuits… now that does bring back memories…


  10. I used to binge on condensed milk. Now I don’t know how I could!
    I love your ditty.


  11. Ruth2Day says:

    I’m seriously impressed you can binge on this. If I did I would be bouncing around the planet for weeks!


  12. prior says:

    Great poem – and just wanted to chime in and note that another huge thing that you may want to consider is magnesium – especially the brand CALM.
    Because lack of magnesium is one of gthe #1 overlooked probe for most people these days (many reasons) and it is related to so many body functions – and finding an absorbable magnesium is really hard – in fact – it is so hard that the guy who developed the one called “CALM” made his blend because he could not find any thing for his body. And it has won awards for three years in a row because the stuff is so good!

    also, and you may know this – but not all salt is created equal and some “table salt” even if iodized – is void of nutrients and may have metals – it still might help with cramps – but seas salts are way better.

    anyhow, thx for letting me share that – and again – very great words and flow in your fun poem.


  13. misswhiplash says:

    I really love thick sweet condensed milk, by the spoon sneaked from the fridge, or laid upon bread with lots of butter that is when the battle really begins, to eat this guilty morsel before it drips off all sides of ghe bread at the same time…..


  14. Colline says:

    I remember eating condensed milk from a Tim when I was a child. Alas, I am unable to eat it now as I find the taste is just too sweet.


  15. suzicate says:

    The hubby gets leg cramps but not from condensed milk. He says he drinks lots of water, but I don’t think he drinks enough when he’s outside and gets cramps. He recently found something new that helps, coconut water.


  16. Grannymar says:

    Tonic water is the thing for leg cramps. It really works.


  17. No leg cramps but would get terrible belly cramps if I had dairy! One person’s cure is another’s poison! 😉


  18. cobbies69 says:

    i love the stuff,, memories from the long lost past..


  19. I suffer from leg cramps too. They usually strike while I am asleep. I then perform a Skippy dance around bedroom in tune to Pat s musical snores. I must put salt by my bed. Thank you for the tip though I won’t try the condensed milk


  20. footsy2 says:

    This rang bells. TL is actually addicted to the Condensed Milk (I refrain) but I am the one who gets leg cramps and resort to salt. Wonderful how it works. Instant relief, accompanied by guilt. Salt is supposed to be so bad for you :-).

    Liked by 1 person

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