South Africa has traffic rules
Not taught in any driving schools,
The first is: ‘All but I are fools
Who get behind a wheel’;
The driving motto is, ‘Me first!’
Get in the way, you will be cursed;
Though normal rules they have reversed,
Your place they have to steal.
And if a light should turn to red,
It’s something, through, that must be sped,
As long as nothing strikes you dead –
Why stop if no one’s there?
The days are gone when it was found
A cop, as if from hole in ground,
Appeared, and promptly would be bound
Your summons to declare.
The intersection solid line
Does not a place to stop define,
But is a spot where all incline
To straddle, and then creep;
Pedestrians, then, have no room
And, crossing, soon may meet their doom
From cars with right-of-way that zoom
From other road, three-deep.
And solid lines that mid-road run
Are overrun by everyone
While doing much more than a ton –
It’s regularly seen;
Though line is on blind turn or rise,
Across it, overtaker flies,
And though, quite often, someone dies,
No lesson it has been.
A change of lanes by her or him,
Is done abruptly, on a whim,
At awful risk to life and limb
To follow ‘Me first!’ rule;
No matter if the gap’s too small,
They force their way in, one and all,
And cause close call upon close call –
One brakes, or hits the fool.
At multi-tasking, some astound;
Those texting while they drive are found,
But best of all, I will be bound
(I saw, so I believe),
A driver with her iPad there
Who took a selfie she could share,
But first, in mirror, did her hair!
(Her car did, rather, weave.)
Then, roads are full of minibus-
Type taxis, which create a fuss
And much desire to rant and cuss;
One dreads each one to see!
Stop anywhere, with warning nil;
With twenty-load, crawl up a hill;
Speed down next incline fit to kill …
(And do kill, frequently!)
And if arrests of them are made
They come in hundreds to blockade
The streets until the cops all fade,
Or know the reason why!
The cops, then, easier pickings seek –
Those who are less inclined to freak
And take their fines in manner meek –
Just guess who? You and I!
Another type that will amuse,
And, on occasion, may abuse,
If t’buy, or give, one does not choose;
At traffic lights they trade;
All in the time ‘twixt red and green
These merry fellows can be seen –
Show goods or mime the ‘hungry’ scene,
They seem to have it made.
Donations, though, and doing deals
On fruit or veg – for meals on wheels? –
Do need a bit more time, one feels,
So when lights change one sticks
While some poor sucker sorts his change,
Or browses through the trading range;
That people hoot does not seem strange
At these rushed sell/beg tricks!
Then, ‘heavies’ must receive their due,
They’re many more than just a few –
More, sometimes, than the cars in view! –
They do just as they please;
They also do not fear arrest,
And in truck/car collision test
Just guess which one will come out best?
Up one, they put the breeze.
And if the roads you want to use
Beware of those all high on booze,
Or elderly, and in a snooze,
Or learners, at a crawl;
Pedestrians who do a dash,
Smash-grabbers, who will swipe your cash,
And hijackers: a lot more brash,
For they will take it all!
So to conclusion one is led
That if you simply stay in bed,
It fairly safely can be said
You may survive alive;
Thus, traffic rule that is the top,
Avoiding every traffic cop,
And which all driving risks will stop? …
Give up attempts to drive!
Reading your long but most entertaining ‘diatribe’, makes me realise how very much I don’t miss the traffic woes of driving in South Africa. 🙂
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People who haven’t experienced it will consider it exaggerated. Sadly, as you know, it isn’t.
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Do you know, Col, I had this very thought the other day?! The whole thing!
You sum drivers up perfectly. (Obviously, I’m not like them at all… well, I hope not, anyway!)
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Hoop julle het die allermooiste nuwe jaar.
Op my ouderdom begin ek nou al deel van die probleem word.
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My favourite quote is from an Italian about traffic lights: “green means go; amber means go as well; red is merely a suggestion.”
Happy New Year to you and yours!
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Good one! Another I’ve heard is that amber means, ‘Go like hell!’
And reciprocated!
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Well said my friend, but I sadly fear That traffic like that is also here In Bulgaria it seems there are no rules Just lots of stupid stupid fools. On snow and ice there is not a care Just as long as soon they will get there So kill a few along the way There’s always more another day. Blind bends just pose another thrill To take the risk to them is brill But for the car in other direction There really is no protection So each day when on the road Just say a prayer to our Good Lord That we might a journey drive And hopefully we will survive
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Brought to mind the very first thing my Dad taught me when I got behind the wheel of his old Wolsley to learn to drive. He said, “Remember one thing, EVERYONE else on the road is a silly bugger! Don’t only watch the idiot in front or behind you, watch the idiots in front or behind them too!” I give him all credit for surviving as a motorist thus far!
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I bet this could be one of your longest verses Colonialist! Our awful driving culture sure is a terrific muse! 😀
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One might gather that the constantly-seen behaviour has managed to inspire an outpouring of negative reaction!
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Happily you chose a positive avenue to let the frustration out – these days many folk take to using a wheelspanner on the offending party’s property, or worse 😉
Happy New Year!
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I too have given up driving, though not in fear of French drivers – who these days are mostly very skilful.
I admire your skill with rhyme and rhythm.
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It turned into an epic because all those things are literally true. I wish I could, actually, give up driving in these conditions, but I have too much ferrying to do. It is rather like girding oneself up for a mission in a fighter plane every time one sets off.
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I remember those years – 50 mile round trip school runs plus music lessons, riding, skating and all the rest of the juvenile activities plus my own full time job……. It’s no wonder I’m worn out!
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We had one full helping of all of that – thing is, circumstances have made us come back for seconds with the grandkids!
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You have my sympathy. It’s a hard life.
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