Really Awful Occupations – Part 2


Really awful occupation

Although it may be certain that your fitters and your turners
Are frequently not fit to turn out greatest of the earners,
There’s something in their turning fits puts ladies in a tizz –
But really, for the life of me, I can’t think what it is. 

Cat-burglary’s a strange pursuit; it has an income that
One must assume depends upon the value of the cat?
A Siamese would probably give claws to meet your match –
It’s not the sort of business that you’d want to start from scratch. 

A chicken-sexer does not offer chickens any sex –
The offspring, if he did, you’d have to take and wring their necks -
His task is to determine which is female, which is male;
(I wonder if, these days, they offer gay ones up for sale?) 

In being a receptionist you have to find the art
Of terrifying people till they piss off with a fa  hastily depart;
No, never make them welcome, or assist in any way -
Ensure, with poor reception, no ex-static sort of day.

Pro golfers tend to be a little edgy, on the (w)hole;
Like cavemen, carry clubs, with which they then a fair way stroll;
They like to aim at birdies with a silly little ball,
And cheer when they hit eagles – that’s not up to par at all! 

A striking personality trade-union leaders need;
Ability to toi-toi well, and discontentment breed –
Good members who enjoy their jobs you’ll never ever find;
The ‘wekkers on the ground’ should feel they’re wekking in a grind! 

Top corporate executives don’t need to know too much;
Their corpulence they build through having dinners out and such;
Execute-ive ability that they must never lack
Is: smiling face-to-face the while they stab you in the back! 

A cashier, in days of old, would write up ev’ry bill;
This went on till things til-ted to a ring-up on a till;
Now cashiers can do all by scan; dis-carded is that skill;
With cards and such there isn’t much of cash for cashiers still!

The occupations these days which are largely in the vogue
Are doing crime, or creaming as a fraudulent-type rogue,
And more and more one finds that what is done with greatest pride
Is, though you draw your wages, to remain unoccupied.

© Colonialist July 2014 (WordPress)
Posted in Cats, Humour, Poems, Really Awful Rhyme, Wordplay | Tagged , , , | 9 Comments

Really Awful Occupations – Part 1


This map goes back to the good old days when British Occupation got an awful lot of countries in the red ...

This map goes back to the good old days when British Occupation got a really awful lot of countries in the red …

Grave-diggers and crop farming types are very down-to-earth,
And valuators tend to be your gentlemen of worth;
Your tightrope-walkers need to be well-balanced sort of chaps,
And accident-insurers always suffer from mishaps. 

A glazer is a guy who studies how to handle pane,
And blood transfusion fellows tend to do their work in vein;
Your undertakers deal with those who’ve gone from bed to worse -
Those undertakers’ vehicles are labelled ‘his’ and ‘hearse’? 

An auditor must count for something, or adds up to naught,
And, like a dietician, to be good with figures ought;
All cooks and poets who rehash must suffer a re-verse;
Computer operators place their cursors where they curse. 

A debt-collector is a man to whom much credit’s due;
In lawyers it’s appropriate to have a boy named Sue;
Some advocates appear in public without any briefs;
Rose-pruners take a cut because of annual re-leafs. 

Re: why are electricians who re-wire so re-volting?
‘Coz if they get their wires crossed they will receive a jolting!
Mechanics are so brainwashed that it’s even food they’re bolting;
Sheep-shearers are sheer sheepish types sheep wool-fully are moulting. 

Some ladies are like gardeners, and do their work in bed -
But what is planted where, with them, is better left unsaid -
Where plumbers lay their pipes, perhaps, and do it with a joint?
Oh, what a wrench and loo-dicrous such squirts one must up-point! 

A dentist and a soldier-man both need to know the drill;
Your average executor goes working with a will;
Most authors, and that dentist, find that tooth’s stronger than friction;
While doctors, and that soldier, deal with damaging affliction. 

A teacher used to use a stick to make the lessons stick;
The educator doesn’t, so now learning’s not as quick;
When pupils saw the stick you’d see their pupils would dilate –
The learners learn much slower, learning there won’t be such fate!

© Colonialist (2009) July 2014 (WordPress)

(Beware: more to come!)

Posted in Colonialist, verse, writing, music composition, fantasy, Africa, journal., Humour, Really Awful Rhyme, Wordplay | Tagged , , , , , | 30 Comments

Really awfully tyred out!


R and friend on Sunday.  No, not tampered with in any way.  The crocodile had, though, lost his appetite.

R and friend soaking up sun on Sunday.  No, not tampered with in any way. The crocodile had lost his appetite.

When one gets new sets of tyres,
Optimism it inspires
That they may provide support
For some years, as well they ought. 

It can therefore drive one mad
To find one that it, has had! -
Three weeks later cost to face
Is not done with a good grace! 

Potholes are to blame, they say,
And I wonder if these may,
With the tyre dealers, be
Part of a conspiracy!

I posted here about having to replace two front tyres, with much muttering and misery.  On Sunday, Oscar, S-in-L’s cat, pointed out to Much Better Half that one of the new tyres had a bulge in it.  (Well, he rubbed against it more than pointing – anyway, he drew it to her attention.)

During a day filled with happy little incidents like leaving J’s school bag on the pavement outside the school (it was handed in, hooray!) as a result of being distracted by a serious sibling squabble, and of having to get duplicate keys cut and buy gutter brackets and things, I took the tyre for replacement.

‘Pothole damage; not covered by guarantee,’ they announced cheerfully.

‘Oh, yes,’ I responded with heavy sarcasm.  ‘Not a mark on the wall, so the pothole jumped through the valve and bashed the tyre from the inside, I imagine?’

A senior was called.  ‘Typical pothole damage,’ he confirmed, nodding wisely.  Before I could give my famous imitation of Vesuvius in action, he added, ‘Look,’ and pointed to a dent and crack in the hubcap exactly above the bump.  ‘The edge of the pothole hits the tyre, it cracks on the inside, and you get a bulge,’ he clarified.

I let my big breath out unaccompanied by sound, and paid up.  But not happily.

Later I removed a window with a rotted frame from high up in the new domicile (not yet moved into) as a pattern for a replacement.  I was quite pleased with my inventiveness in doing the job single-handed.  The plan I arrived at was to put it in a sling secured to the burglar bars, so that after I removed the final screws from inside I could lower it to the ground on a rope.  Then I taped some large doggy-food plastic packs over the gap to keep weather out.

More pics of weekend activities to add to the top one:

J in action at the School Sports Day on Saturday.

J in action at the School Sports Day on Saturday.

R in the Relay.

R in the Relay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My 3Kg fruit salad made on Sunday.  Guess the fruits:  A, B, L, N, O, P, P.

My 3Kg fruit salad, which took me an hour to make on Sunday. Guess the fruits: A, B, L, N, O, P, P.

               © Colonialist July 2014 (WordPress)
Posted in Food, Grandchildren, Humour, Personal Journal, Photography, Poems, Really Awful Rhyme | Tagged , , , , , | 50 Comments

Making Haste Really Awfully Slowly.


Hurry up and wait;
It seems to be your fate
That even though you’re running late -
You hurry up and wait.

Hurry up and wait;
You get so darn irate!
In fact it puts you in a state
To hurry up and wait. 

Hurry up and wait –
That does infuriate!
So terrible to contemplate
Is hurry up and wait. 

Hurry up and wait;
Oh, wouldn’t it be great
If only need would just abate
To hurry up and wait.

Hurry up and wait
While prices all inflate,
In hopes that they will reinstate
You hurry up and wait. 

Hurry up and wait,
For waiting is innate
In men whom marriage will elate –
They hurry up and wait. 

Stressed out.

Hurry up and wait,
While wives have a debate;
No use, at all, them to berate,
Just hurry up and wait. 

Hurry up and wait,
They’re chatting at the gate;
On leaving do not concentrate,
But hurry up and wait.

Hurry up and wait.
While they deliberate
On whether cheese to slice or grate –
Do hurry up and wait! 

Hurry up and wait
No use if you create
Diversions you try out as bait,
So hurry up and wait. 

Hurry up and wait;
For after-dinner date,
You madly rush to clear your plate …
Then hurry up and wait. 

Hurry up and wait,
You’re ready, any rate;
Can’t say the same for your dear mate –
You hurry up and wait!

© Colonialist July 2014 (WordPress)
Posted in Humour, Poems, Really Awful Rhyme | Tagged , , , , , | 36 Comments

Summer lovin’ – even though some aren’t.


Weekend Photo Challenge: Summer Lovin’.

What better place for Summer Lovin' ?

What better place for Summer Lovin’ ?Love your smile, reptile!Love your smile, reptile!

Hen and her clutch of  chuklings; a confused summer lovin'.

Hen and her clutch of chuklings;
a confused summer lovin’.

Of similar lookout ...

Of similar outlook …

 

© Colonialist July 2014 (WordPress)

 

Posted in Beach, Birds, Nature, Ocean, Photography, Weekly Photo Challenge | Tagged , , , , , , , | 29 Comments

Four Smiles an Hour is a Good Wal… Working Pace.


 

Cheshire Mac

MacGregor Cheshire Cat style.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A smile is an amazing thing,
  for, when you’re sad and blue,

You won’t believe what wearing one
  accomplishes for you;

Most people grow more cheery when
 they see you with a grin -

And while a frown will shut you out,
  a smile will let you in!

 

Of course, there are some folk, to whom
  a smiling face you show,

Who’ll wonder what on earth it is
  you know that they don’t know,

And in their consternation is
  a source of some delight –

They speculate that they’ve got wrong
  a thing you’re doing right!

 

So when life kicks you in a place
  you wish that it had not,

Just see the humour in it,
  and it won’t faze you a lot;

For tragedy and comedy
  two close companions are –

But friendship with the latter
  is a better bet by far!

© Colonialist July 2014 (WordPress)
Posted in Colonialist, verse, writing, music composition, fantasy, Africa, journal., Poems | Tagged , , | 40 Comments

Should health warnings become compulsory in books like the Bible and Koran?


The Holy Bible with warnings. Koran with warning.

Because of serious risk, cigarette packages have to bear warnings regarding the potential dangers of smoking, and liquor advertising is similarly regulated.

Surely it is becoming time that religious writings which appear to make it OK to go discriminating against or killing or maiming people, just because some misguided twits have written it into a so-called ‘holy’ book such the Bible or the Koran, should have similar warnings?

It is incomprehensible that any God or Allah would dictate such absurdities.  Nevertheless, one gets these seriously delusional individuals who are prepared to switch off their intellects completely in order to accept such twaddle.  Therefore, it is about time that passages in the books were annotated with warnings like, ‘This is a carry-over from an era of ignorance and must not be given any serious consideration’.  Although this should be a no-brainer, it is unfortunately necessary because of the alarming number of no-brains apparently in existence, university degrees etc notwithstanding.

Similarly, anyone who so much as mentions in conversation that they think that a true god-figure would support such barbarity should immediately be put into an institution for the criminally insane until they revise their thinking.  Their concepts of God or Allah can be regarded as blasphemous.  How can one possibly accept that a creator-of-all can have the mentality of a petty dictator with a completely justified inferiority complex, demanding constant reminders of how great he/she/it is, and requiring that anyone who doesn’t adhere to a particular brand of telling him/her/it how great he/she/it is should be bumped off forthwith?

Anyway, even if that were actually the case, he/she/it would have access to any number of ways of doing the bumping-off without any human help, thank you very much.  Again, it becomes blasphemy to think otherwise – the god-figure is too weak or ineffectual to deal with ‘transgressions’ without human aid when everything from accidents to natural disasters to viruses is available?  How can any sense be seen in that? It is utterly disrespectful to the chosen deity.

No religion can justify the slightest infringement on the rights of humans to live in any way they choose, as long as they do no harm to others.

© Colonialist July 2014 (WordPress)
Posted in Current Affairs, Education, Really Awful Joke, Religious absurdity | Tagged , , , | 58 Comments